the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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