i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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