I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
