I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
don't judge my taste in strippers
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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