i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Randomize
