those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
