The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
