yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize