Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
