in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
