Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize