She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
