I'm eating all of the evidence.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
