he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
