so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
