I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
