Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
