my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
