how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize