I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You took a bar mat shot.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
