I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
