you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
