Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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