I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
