I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
