Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
