apparently the secret to your success is patron
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
