We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
