I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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