i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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