why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
