I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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