I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
