Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i would punch a child for taco bell
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
