it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
