There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
