you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
