College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
