oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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