Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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