Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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