I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm passing your future prison.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
3 2 1 whiskey
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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