grandma shit on top of the toilet
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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