oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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