can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
