You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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