I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
