I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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