I'm so fucking centered right now
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
