That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
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