How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
