Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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