Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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