So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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