I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
