i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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