Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
