I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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