I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
