go do what you do best...puke behind churches
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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