Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
