i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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