Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
