With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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