Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
